When people look at those who are childless not by choice (CNBC), there is often an assumption that they idealize parenthood. The outside world sometimes believes that childless individuals don't understand the hard work, exhaustion, and emotional toll of raising children. This perception can lead to a dangerous misconception: that those who long for children are somehow naïve, looking at parenthood through “rose tinted spectacles.”
But this view couldn't be further from the truth.
Misunderstanding Childlessness
Many people assume that those who are childless are simply unaware of the challenges of parenthood. Comments like, “you have no idea how hard it is,” or “you’re so lucky to have your freedom!” reinforce the idea that childless individuals are blissfully unaware of the difficulties of raising children. However, those who are CNBC are often painfully aware of the complexity of parenting whether through recounted stories from friends or siblings—the highs and the lows, the sleepless nights, the sacrifices, the joy, and the struggles.
Far from being ignorant, many childless individuals may have experienced childhood trauma in their own families or dysfunctional upbringings, and this experience can motivate a desire to create a stable, loving family of their own—a way to break the cycle of trauma and dysfunction they may have lived through themselves. They don’t want a picture-perfect fantasy; they may wish for the chance to build something better than what they experienced growing up. As humans, we are all wired for connection to varying degrees, and some of us may desire that through the creation of familial bonds as opposed to social bonds, a totally normal part of the human experience.
To assume that childless people are idealizing parenthood disregards the depth of understanding and the personal reflections they’ve already undertaken. For many, the grief of not having children isn’t because they’re unaware of the challenges. It’s because they wanted to face those challenges, to experience the fullness of family life, imperfections and all.
The Pain of Involuntary Childlessness
Involuntary childlessness brings its own kind of grief and trauma. It's not just about not having children—it’s about having that choice taken away. For many, this is not just a missed opportunity, but a deeply felt loss, one that can impact every facet of their lives. The decision to not have nor want children is entirely different from the painful experience of not being able to have them or to have that choice taken away from you.
When the option to become a parent is removed—whether by infertility, circumstances, or health—the pain goes beyond the absence of children. It can become a layer of trauma, as individuals navigate the sorrow of a life they had envisioned for themselves slipping away. There’s an immense sense of grief, not just for the children that never came, but for the entire future that is now lost—the family gatherings, the milestones, and the sense of belonging that parenthood often brings.
The Reality Behind “Freedom”
One of the most common—and most insensitive—remarks childless people hear is, “you’re so lucky to have all that freedom!” While on the surface this may seem harmless, it’s deeply invalidating. Yes, childless individuals may not have the immediate responsibilities that come with raising children, but to equate that with a carefree life is an oversimplification. For those who wanted children, this so-called 24-7 “freedom” including at Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc is not necessarily liberating—it’s a constant reminder of the absence of a family.
Freedom is not the same as fulfilment. While a childless person might have the ability to travel spontaneously or sleep in on a weekend, they also miss out on the enriching and bonding experiences that come with parenting. For those who longed to create a family, waking up alone every Christmas morning is not a “cherished moment of independence”; it’s an echo of what’s missing. Instead of the sound of children’s voices excitedly opening stockings, there’s silence—a stark reminder of the life they hoped to live but never could.
The loneliness stretches far beyond holidays. Being the eternal odd one out at family gatherings, witnessing the milestones of others while your own life remains stagnant in this regard, can feel devastating. There is a profound absence that lingers, not just for a season, but for a lifetime.
The Layers of Loss
In many ways, being childless not by choice can feel like a series of losses. It’s not just about missing out on the cute moments parents share on social media. It’s about missing out on the hard parts too—the sleepless nights, the scraped knees, the tantrums, the homework struggles. CNBC individuals wanted the full experience—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
It’s important to remember that childless people didn’t just wish for an easy life full of “freedom”. They wanted the chance to face the ups and downs of parenthood in all its reality. To have the choice taken away can be deeply painful, further layered with societal misunderstandings that only exacerbate the emotional pain.
Conclusion
The “rose tinted spectacles” view of childless people is a myth; those who are CNBC are not idealising parenthood; for many, their understanding of parenting is informed by their own childhoods, marked by dysfunction or trauma, driving a desire to create something better.
The grief of being involuntarily childless is complex, deep, and lasting. It’s not just about missing out on having children; it’s about losing a future you envisioned for yourself, complete with all the highs and lows that come with it. And while childless people may hear that they’re “lucky” to have freedom, in the midst of childless grief, this "freedom" can often feel hollow, serving as a painful reminder of the family they never had the chance to build.
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