Being Childless Not By Choice (CNBC) is often a profoundly misunderstood experience. Whether it stems from infertility, life circumstances, or other factors, the grief that comes with not having children is often dismissed, minimized, or misunderstood by those around us; friends, family, doctors, and even therapists sometimes fail to grasp the depth of this experience, leading to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and invalidation, further compounding this already complex and challenging experience.
For many non-childless people, the emotions associated with the CNBC experience are often categorised as “being negative"— meaning childless people may often be misunderstood and wrongly labelled as being “bitter”, “ungrateful” for the life they lead, “jealous” of people with children, or “unhappy” with oneself. But this view misses the point entirely. Grief is not a sign of personal failure or dissatisfaction with oneself; grief and the myriad of emotions that grief bring, is a totally normal, human response to loss. And for those who are childless not by choice, that loss is more than often deep, real, and lifelong.
Grief Isn’t Bitterness or Jealousy
Grief is a complex experience that consists of a myriad of emotions. It’s not simply about wishing you had something others do, nor is it rooted in bitterness. Nor is grieving the absence of children in your life about harboring resentment toward others who do have children. The misconception that CNBC individuals are “bitter” or “jealous” comes from a lack of understanding about what this type of grief really entails.
When someone loses the possibility of parenthood—whether due to infertility, the loss of a partner, or life circumstances that didn’t align with having children—they are grieving a future they had envisioned for themselves. The sadness, anger or upsetting emotions are not a reflection of being “negative”, but rather mourning the loss of an aspect of life they deeply desired.
Feeling Sad Doesn’t Mean You’re Ungrateful
Another misunderstanding and invalidating narrative often projected onto CNBC individuals, is that they are somehow “ungrateful” for wanting more than what they have, and should just be grateful for what they do have. As if childless grief is akin to being “ungrateful” for the blessings that are present in life. It’s like telling someone who’s grieving the loss of a relationship with a significant other, "you should just be grateful for the relationships you do have!" Of course, someone can appreciate other relationships with friends or family, but that doesn’t lessen the pain of losing a partner, which is entirely valid in its own right. The same is true for those grieving childlessness. Because childless grief is just that – grief. Often childless grief can be experienced as complicated grief, meaning it’s ever present, and doesn’t seem to decrease with time but remains fresh and raw.
Gratitude and grief can coexist though. You can be grateful for a loving partner, fulfilling career, or close friendships, while still feeling the sadness or grief for a life without children. Being sad about not having children is not a rejection of the joy and fulfilment found in other areas of life—it’s an entirely valid expression of grief over a significant, deeply personal loss. If someone was grieving the loss of a partner, pet or anything else, would you tell them to "just be grateful!" for everything else, rather than empathising with their loss?
Isolation in the Face of Misunderstanding
Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of being CNBC is the lack of understanding from even the most well-meaning friends, family, and professionals. Many people, including therapists and doctors, are not equipped to recognize the unique grief of childlessness. And in addition, the childless experience – even when explained – is often met with invalidation or a lack of empathy. As a result, CNBC individuals often feel isolated in their sadness, often unable to find even the most basic empathy or support they need.
When grief is misunderstood or dismissed, it only deepens the sense of loneliness. Well-intentioned comments like, "just be happy with what you have," or, "you’ll get over it eventually," are not only unhelpful, but also harmful. They invalidate the complex emotions that come with CNBC, leaving individuals to process their grief alone.
Embracing Grief as Valid
It’s crucial to acknowledge that grief over childlessness is valid and real. It’s not something to be minimized or swept under the rug. Just as we wouldn’t tell someone grieving the loss of a loved one to "just get over it," we shouldn’t tell CNBC individuals to move on or simply be grateful for what they have.
Grief over childlessness is a reflection of love, hope, and the dreams we have for our lives. It’s about mourning the life that didn’t come to be, and that sadness is a natural part of the healing process. It’s not negative or unhealthy; it’s an essential expression of the human experience.
Conclusion
Being Childless Not By Choice is a deeply personal and complex journey. The emotions that come with it are not "negative", but are normal responses to loss and grief. It's important for those around CNBC individuals to offer support without judgment, recognizing that grief and gratitude can coexist. Sadness over childlessness doesn’t make someone ungrateful for the life they have—it simply acknowledges the reality of a profound, unchosen loss. The more we can recognize and validate this grief, the less isolated CNBC individuals will feel in their experience.
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